There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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