mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
