I think im going to throw up on grandma
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
