He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
