I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize