Someone shit on the floor
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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