Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
