This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
