that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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