That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
