I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
