I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
