My underwear smells like fireworks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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