My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
this is an emotional support booty call
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
