what day is it and did you see me today?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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