you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This toilet bowl is my home.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
