I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
