Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
