upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
