I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
