Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Bring me that man meat
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize