just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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