Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Come on in and take your pants off
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