ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize