I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
