I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize