I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
