Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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