If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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