I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
