Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
