Your mouth is God's brothel.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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