Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
