Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize