I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
