Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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