You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
we're so committed to being not committed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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