If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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