I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
