i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
