I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
