True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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