I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
