bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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