Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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