oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
