You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
