You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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