I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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