Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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