tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
