my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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