Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
