Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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