This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
