Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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