You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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