Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He felt like a one man threesome
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
