if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
