oh god the rape fog is back!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
