please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
