At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
