Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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