Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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