Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
