I wish I could teleport
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
