This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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