Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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